The Suggestion Box (Contact, Complaints & Confessions)
Status: Open | Wait Time: Depends on the quality of your drink order.
Welcome to the Bar
So, you want to talk to the management.
Maybe you have a brilliant business inquiry. Maybe you want to hire The Executive Jokester to speak at your next corporate funeral (sorry, “All-Hands Meeting”). Or maybe you just want to complain that our satire hit a little too close to home.
Whatever brought you here, pull up a stool.
🚫 The “86” List (Do Not Contact Us If…)
- You are a bot: If you are a prince from a distant land trying to transfer millions of dollars, please click here.
- You want to “Pick My Brain”: My brain is currently pickling in a brine of coffee and deadline stress. If you want consulting, book a “Private Event” (see Services).
- You are selling “SEO Services”: I run buildmybizweb.com. I know your tricks. I know you are emailing from a template. Don’t make me ridicule you publicly.
✅ The VIP List (Please Contact Us If…)
- Real Estate (The North Metro): You are looking to buy or sell a home in Champlin, Coon Rapids, or Anoka, and you want a Realtor who tells the truth. (Visit mnrealestateteam.com or email jacob@mnrealestateteam.com directly).
- Web Strategy: Your business website looks like a hostage note from 1999 and you need a “Night Crew” to fix it.
- Fan Mail / Hate Mail: You read an article and laughed (or cried).
The Form (The Order Pad)
(Insert your WordPress Form Shortcode Here – e.g., Gravity Forms / Contact Form 7)
Field 1: Name (What do your parents call you?)
Field 2: Email (The real one, not the spam one)
Field 3: Subject
- [ ] I want to buy a house (Real Estate)
- [ ] I want to fix my website (Consulting)
- [ ] I want to sponsor the newsletter (Advertising)
- [ ] I am angry about a joke (The Complaint Jar)
Field 4: The Message (Keep it short. The bartender is busy).
Other Ways to Reach Jacob
📞 The Red Phone (Real Estate Emergencies Only)
If you need to sell a house right now, call/text: (763) 250-3146.
(Please note: “I need a drink” is not a Real Estate emergency).
📧 The Direct Line
- Real Estate: jacob@mnrealestateteam.com
- Web Consulting: jakezwack@gmail.com
📍 Location
Champlin, MN (The land of snow and passive-aggressiveness).
Note: By submitting this form, you acknowledge that any hilarious typos or absurd complaints may be used as content for future “Happy Hour” articles. Anonymity will be preserved to protect the guilty.