The Executive Jokester
Beverage Logistics Division
The Protocol
Asset Class: Bloody Mary + Mandatory Snit
In-House Solution
The Golden Parachute (Garnish)
The Dividend (Snit)
“Do not pour into the main glass. This is a separate account.”
3-4 oz Light Lager
Grain Belt / Hamm’s / High Life
Market Competitor Analysis
“Sometimes you don’t have the bandwidth to build in-house. Here are the approved vendors.”
Serum’s Good Time Emporium
AnokaThe Executive Take: This is a “Heritage Asset.” Known for world-class wings, their Bloody Mary is a heavy hitter with a garnish game that respects tradition.
The Roadside
BlaineThe Executive Take: The “High-Yield Dive.” Located strategically on Hwy 65. No corporate frills, just honest pours and a Snit that arrives cold and fast.
Kendall’s Tavern
Coon RapidsThe Executive Take: The “Country Club Play.” Located at Bunker Hills Golf Club. Sip your Bloody while critiquing swings on the 18th green.
1.0 Introduction: The Sunday Morning Board Meeting
If you are reading this, it is likely Sunday morning. The market is closed. Your personal energy stocks are trading at an all-time low following Saturday night’s “networking event” (bonfire). You need a correction. You need a restructuring of your internal assets.
Welcome to the Minnesota Bloody Mary Protocol.
As a Real Estate Professional and your self-appointed Chief Beverage Officer, I have seen many attempts at the “Morning After” cocktail. But nowhere on the globe handles the recovery phase quite like Minnesota. We don’t just give you a drink; we give you a system. We give you a meal, a vitamin supplement, and most importantly, we give you the Snit.
The Snit: A Fiscal Analysis
To the outsider, it sounds like a temper tantrum. To the Minnesotan, it is the sound of value. The Snit acts as a Palate Arbitrage. A sip of crisp, cold Grain Belt Premium washes away the tomato paste and prepares your mouth for the next sip of the Bloody. It is a “reset button” for your tongue.
2.0 The Base Liquid: Sourcing Your Capital
Now, let’s talk about the main event. A Bloody Mary is only as good as its foundation. In real estate, we say “location, location, location.” In mixology, it’s “viscosity, viscosity, viscosity.”
Do not buy the $2.99 jug of red water from the gas station. That is a distressed asset. You want a mix that has “mouthfeel.” You want something that clings to the glass like a determined insurance salesman. Look for local MN brands like Lovejoy’s or Miss Mary’s. They understand the assignment.
3.0 The Garnish: The “Golden Parachute”
In other states, a garnish is a lime wedge. In Minnesota, the garnish is an infrastructure project. We have a reputation for “Bloody Marys with a Cheeseburger on top.” While that makes for great Instagram engagement (KPIs), for the home bartender, we want functional sustainability.
- The Meat Stick: A beef stick, pepperoni, or salami cube. This is your protein macro.
- The Cheese: A cube of cheddar is acceptable, but a Cheese Curd is preferred. It signals regional pride.
- The Pickle: A dill spear. This is the structural spine of the drink.
Audit Your Current Process
I challenge you to audit your current brunch beverage program. Are you serving Snits? If not, you are leaving value on the table.
My Professional Credentials
Jacob Zwack RENE, C2EX, SRS, ABR
The Minnesota Real Estate Team
763-250-3146
jacob@mnrealestateteam.com