Intel Report: The VC (or: How to Monetize Your Ego)
The Venture Capitalist
The Thesis
Spends 6 hours writing a 40-part Twitter thread about waking up at 3:30 AM to meditate. Disrupts the concept of walking.
The Pass
Passes on investing in the next Google because he didn’t “vibe” with the founder’s chakra.
“Brad doesn’t have a job; he has a proprietary algorithm for losing money on Bluetooth-enabled shoes.”
The Subject Profile
This is Brad. Brad doesn’t have a job; he has a “thesis.” He spends 6 hours a day writing 40-part Twitter threads about how he wakes up at 3:30 AM to plunge into ice water and meditate on the concept of “scale.”
He is currently looking to “disrupt” the concept of walking by investing $10 million into a company that makes Bluetooth-enabled shoes. He wears the Midtown Uniform (Patagonia fleece vest, Allbirds), holds a podcast microphone he uses to interview his own friends, and talks about “synergy” until your ears bleed.
The Problem: Decision Fatigue
How does Brad decide which 22-year-old dropout to give $5 million to? Is it due diligence? Market research? No. It’s about the vibe. It’s about the chakra alignment. But sometimes, even Brad gets tired of pretending to understand blockchain gaming.
The Tactical Asset: The Proprietary Algorithm
The Magic 8 Ball
Forget complex financial modeling. This sphere contains the exact same level of predictive accuracy as Brad’s investment strategy.
Why This Asset is Mandatory:
- Due Diligence: Will this startup be a unicorn? Shake. “Outlook Not So Good.” Boom. You just saved $10M.
- Board Meetings: Use it to answer tough questions from LPs.
- Thought Leadership: Take a photo of it, post it on LinkedIn with the caption “Trust the Process,” and watch the engagement soar.